I have been a mechanical design engineer for twenty years. I have spent my career solving problems. Design devices that operate in 2000 degrees Fahrenheit? No problem. Design a way to dip an entire John Deere harvester into an electrically charged tank of green paint the size of a swimming pool? Piece of cake. Design valves that can open and close a hundred times per second? Done. I've honed my craft with a passion for all things mechanical. I try to think outside the box, bite off more than I can chew and just simply give it my best shot. But there are just some things I cannot fix.
I can't fix hearts. I can't heal emotional wounds. Heck, I have my own wounds to deal with. I am not a doctor. I did not spend the night at a Holiday Inn last night either. I slept in a chair in a hospital room. For two weeks now. Helpless to do anything for my wife Stacey but hold her hand, look her deep in the eyes and tell her I love her. All the while, she battles back from two surgeries and a particularly nasty infection. For a guy who fixes, invents and solves problems every day, this is really tough for me. I am helpless. I am humbled. I am not the ultimate physician. That job is left up to God.
When my daughter Allyson was three years old, she came down with a blood-born version of Meningitis called Meniningocoxemia. Left untreated, it is fast and it is fatal. The bacteria attacks the blood vessel walls and causes hemorrhaging. I hovered over her bed for a week while antibiotics were pumped into her little arms at a maximum rate in order to overtake this extremely fast growing bug. Boards strapped to her arms so she couldn't pull the IV's out. I felt so utterly helpless. I felt physical pain in my chest. When she was out of the woods, our pediatrician told us that if we had been six hours longer getting her to the hospital, she would not have recovered.
I have felt completely helpless for the past two weeks standing at Stacey's bedside unable to fix her. I pray. I pace the room. I look around the room and find products that I engineer systems to help to produce. Medical adhesives, packaging, disposable pads, etc. I see customer names all over the room. But I can do nothing but pray. Maybe that's exactly where God wants me. Maybe he wants me to know that he's the ultimate mechanic, engineer, physician, healer, problem-solver, comforter......the one true God. Maybe that although he gave me a talent....He has the trump card.
Stacey and I came into our relationship with baggage as all of us do. We all have issues. Particularly those of us having come from failed relationships in the past. We have felt an overwhelming outpouring of love from our church family at The Gathering here in Nashville. Never before have we, especially Stacey, felt the connection like we do now. We look at each other with a deeper love than ever before. I see God's hand at work not only in bringing Stacey back to physical health but also healing of the heart. The emotional walls we build to protect ourselves from being hurt again, prevent us from also feeling love in a way God intended. We compartmentalize. We shut out. We protect. We deny ourselves the wonder of God.
Don't let adversity be the vehicle that propels your relationship into healing. Look deep into her eyes, tell her you love her, do it repeatedly. Even if you don't feel it in return. Be transparent for her sake. Create an impeccable track record. Be patient. Trust will come. Transparency plus track record plus time equals trust.
If you are on the other end of the equation, look at the track record and transparency....then let God fix you. He wants to. You just have to let the ultimate physician make the house call.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
How did I get here?
It's been several months since I had anything I felt blogging about. Rather than rant, like I have in the past, I feel better just digging deep to share my heart.
I am flawed. Imperfect. Human. I am a work in progress. I am resigned to follow God's plan rather than mine. By doing so, I have seen tremendous progress. Progressing from a bad history. A failed marriage which included children torn and hurt. A bad history of guilt, misdirected anger and shame.
Oh, but things are so different now. I "know" that I am forgiven now. I feel as if I have had a good samaratan come and take my load off my shoulders. Interesting parallel isn't it?
We are told that Jesus forgives us of sin as believers. Not some of it. ALL of it. The evidence gone. Not even a carbon copy laying around in God's file cabinet somewhere. So rarely though, do most of us ever get to a place of forgiving ourselves and laying that burden down. All too often we "say" we are forgiven but don't fully believe it. We self-medicate to dull the pain of shame, anger and resentment. We make bad decisions through self-destructive behavior. Roots of bitterness begin to wrap around our hearts like weeds. Lots of bad decisions made over time. Until we find ourselves in a self-constructed hell on earth. We ask ourselves "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was.". Character is an ever evolving thing. It is defined well as what we do when other people aren't looking. The good news is that it can be redeemed. We can be redeemed.
There is but one way out. The same way we got in but in reverse. Wake up everyday resolved to make the right decision and to do the next right thing. One right decision at a time, in series, over time gets us back on track as we focus on our goals and dreams. Come into a relationship with Jesus Christ. Not the "I filled out the card when I was 12" Jesus. Not the "I go to church because my parents did" Jesus. Not the "turn or burn" Jesus. Come into a relationship with a Savior who accepts you just as you are. Broken, dirty, hurt, angry.
If you're in this place, turn an ear to the following:
You are more -Tenth Avenue North
I'm not who I was -Brandon Heath
Dear X -Disciple
I am flawed. Imperfect. Human. I am a work in progress. I am resigned to follow God's plan rather than mine. By doing so, I have seen tremendous progress. Progressing from a bad history. A failed marriage which included children torn and hurt. A bad history of guilt, misdirected anger and shame.
Oh, but things are so different now. I "know" that I am forgiven now. I feel as if I have had a good samaratan come and take my load off my shoulders. Interesting parallel isn't it?
We are told that Jesus forgives us of sin as believers. Not some of it. ALL of it. The evidence gone. Not even a carbon copy laying around in God's file cabinet somewhere. So rarely though, do most of us ever get to a place of forgiving ourselves and laying that burden down. All too often we "say" we are forgiven but don't fully believe it. We self-medicate to dull the pain of shame, anger and resentment. We make bad decisions through self-destructive behavior. Roots of bitterness begin to wrap around our hearts like weeds. Lots of bad decisions made over time. Until we find ourselves in a self-constructed hell on earth. We ask ourselves "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was.". Character is an ever evolving thing. It is defined well as what we do when other people aren't looking. The good news is that it can be redeemed. We can be redeemed.
There is but one way out. The same way we got in but in reverse. Wake up everyday resolved to make the right decision and to do the next right thing. One right decision at a time, in series, over time gets us back on track as we focus on our goals and dreams. Come into a relationship with Jesus Christ. Not the "I filled out the card when I was 12" Jesus. Not the "I go to church because my parents did" Jesus. Not the "turn or burn" Jesus. Come into a relationship with a Savior who accepts you just as you are. Broken, dirty, hurt, angry.
If you're in this place, turn an ear to the following:
You are more -Tenth Avenue North
I'm not who I was -Brandon Heath
Dear X -Disciple
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
To drive or not to drive a Prius.
I am a Nitromethane junkie. I love drag racing, horsepower, burning rubber, thunderous exhaust pipes and fire. I prefer sports cars and trucks over the diminutive hybrid. With that said, I confess that my ego has no defense against the truth of math. Here's the "rest" of the story.
My wife and I went car shopping last night. I despise car shopping. No, I LOATHE it entirely! I'd rather jam a screwdriver up my nose than to endure the sales pitch of a car dealer. My love for my wife superseded my opinion so I went along for the ride. We had already narrowed our search down to a hatchback with good fuel economy. I prefer Toyota's or Honda's. I've had good experience with them. So, the list narrowed quickly down to the Toyota Matrix or Toyota Prius. I immediately ruled out the Prius. I can't be seen driving one of those things. The automotive designers in Japan did marvelous things with the technology and fuel economy but they failed to add any Testosterone to the design at all. Even the paint schemes are lacking. Powder blue, Lunar Mist, Gold, Beige? Really? Come on, throw me a bone here. I'm barely able to sit in a mini-van much less a powder blue Prius. I "need" my 1964 Chevy with the Buick 455 that makes 400hp and 510ft/lbs of torque breathing through 3" exhaust and shredding tires for a city block.
After our test drive of a Matrix, my wife saw a Prius. "May Day, May Day...We're going down...We're going down!!!". I tried to tactfully express to her the fact that there was no way in Hades that she was getting me in THAT car! The salesman found my banter quite entertaining. I was like a cat getting pushed into a bucket of water..... Well, after a couple of miles into the test drive, my darling wife looks at me with a smile and says "You need to drive it honey". My expression was that of Archie Bunker looking at Edith with arms crossed. The voice of ventriloquist Jeff Dunham's dummy "Walter" was ringing through my head. I remembered the dearest love I have for this woman and acquiesced. I became a kid in a candy store. Push button ignition, joystick shifter, touch screen with fuel consumption data, regenerative braking, touch screen audio, touch screen climate control. It accelerated as fast as the Matrix, road smoother than the Matrix and has as much room as the Matrix. It, I must admit, performed everything as well or better. All while getting 20+MPG better. The engine turning itself on and off is strange though. So is the constant velocity gearing. However, the technology packed into this thing is really cool! Being the gizmo geek that I am, it grew on me quickly. Just as long as I stay inside the car and not pay attention to the other people on the road looking at me, I think I'll be OK.
The math was staggering. I put a lot of miles on a vehicle. Between my daily commute and weekends back home, I log anywhere from 2,500 to 2,800 miles per month. At today's gas rates of $3.50 per gallon, I will save around $175 per month in gas cost over the Matrix. If, as some experts say, gas hits $5 this summer, the savings will be over $275 per month. Hmmmmm....my ego has no defense for this. If all of America were to gravitate towards a car that gets 45mpg, then the 200 million passenger cars on the road would pocket a gas savings of $180BILLION per year!
I am a political, religious and social conservative. However, I veer away from my constituency in my environmental conservationism. I'm not going to go out to UC Berkley and hug trees, start wearing Birkenstock sandals or protest the use of deodorant. However, I do believe, as I interpret bible scripture, that we should be good stewards with the blessings God gives us. Having dominion over the earth does not mean we have the right to environmentally rape it. A soccer mom in a Chevy Suburban driving to school to drop off their one child and then driving to a PTA meeting is a poor example of good environmental stewardship. The purpose of a Suburban is to transport a bunch of stuff and a handful of people. Not a 6yr old with a lunch box. If we want the government not to mandate regulations forcing us into this, we had better all take a better look at how wasteful we are and do something about it out of good principle. Oil is not like solar energy, its not going to be around forever despite what conspiracy theorists believe. The free market of this country will gravitate naturally towards the demand. If we buy more fuel efficient vehicles, car-makers will cease production of gas-guzzlers. If we plug our cars into the grid at night, the electrical companies will expand the grid due to demand. Clean nuclear power will be back on the table for discussion instead of coal, oil, gas or hydroelectric if demand increases. This would not require an act of Congress or the state of California to demand it. The only reason the rail system in the United States is a century behind Europe is that we turned a blind eye and demand our [invisible] independence. If more people demanded it, I could be taking a train between work and home instead of sitting on I-65 during rush hour.
So, do you want to just save that money or would you rather the government institute a "consumption tax" that takes it out of your pocket and into the abyss of the system in the name of saving the environment? For example; owning a V8 engine in Germany will cost you over $1,500 per year just in consumption tax over and above the other annual taxes you pay. Want to reverset the trend toward socialism? Take the steps ourselves and eliminate the [middle-man] government. We don't need a talking head like Michael Moore to flame our system. We just need to use it correctly. Let's all reduce/reuse/recycle, drive more efficient cars and be better stewards of what God has given us. Even if we have to modify our ego, swallow it down and take deep breath first.
My wife and I went car shopping last night. I despise car shopping. No, I LOATHE it entirely! I'd rather jam a screwdriver up my nose than to endure the sales pitch of a car dealer. My love for my wife superseded my opinion so I went along for the ride. We had already narrowed our search down to a hatchback with good fuel economy. I prefer Toyota's or Honda's. I've had good experience with them. So, the list narrowed quickly down to the Toyota Matrix or Toyota Prius. I immediately ruled out the Prius. I can't be seen driving one of those things. The automotive designers in Japan did marvelous things with the technology and fuel economy but they failed to add any Testosterone to the design at all. Even the paint schemes are lacking. Powder blue, Lunar Mist, Gold, Beige? Really? Come on, throw me a bone here. I'm barely able to sit in a mini-van much less a powder blue Prius. I "need" my 1964 Chevy with the Buick 455 that makes 400hp and 510ft/lbs of torque breathing through 3" exhaust and shredding tires for a city block.
After our test drive of a Matrix, my wife saw a Prius. "May Day, May Day...We're going down...We're going down!!!". I tried to tactfully express to her the fact that there was no way in Hades that she was getting me in THAT car! The salesman found my banter quite entertaining. I was like a cat getting pushed into a bucket of water..... Well, after a couple of miles into the test drive, my darling wife looks at me with a smile and says "You need to drive it honey". My expression was that of Archie Bunker looking at Edith with arms crossed. The voice of ventriloquist Jeff Dunham's dummy "Walter" was ringing through my head. I remembered the dearest love I have for this woman and acquiesced. I became a kid in a candy store. Push button ignition, joystick shifter, touch screen with fuel consumption data, regenerative braking, touch screen audio, touch screen climate control. It accelerated as fast as the Matrix, road smoother than the Matrix and has as much room as the Matrix. It, I must admit, performed everything as well or better. All while getting 20+MPG better. The engine turning itself on and off is strange though. So is the constant velocity gearing. However, the technology packed into this thing is really cool! Being the gizmo geek that I am, it grew on me quickly. Just as long as I stay inside the car and not pay attention to the other people on the road looking at me, I think I'll be OK.
The math was staggering. I put a lot of miles on a vehicle. Between my daily commute and weekends back home, I log anywhere from 2,500 to 2,800 miles per month. At today's gas rates of $3.50 per gallon, I will save around $175 per month in gas cost over the Matrix. If, as some experts say, gas hits $5 this summer, the savings will be over $275 per month. Hmmmmm....my ego has no defense for this. If all of America were to gravitate towards a car that gets 45mpg, then the 200 million passenger cars on the road would pocket a gas savings of $180BILLION per year!
I am a political, religious and social conservative. However, I veer away from my constituency in my environmental conservationism. I'm not going to go out to UC Berkley and hug trees, start wearing Birkenstock sandals or protest the use of deodorant. However, I do believe, as I interpret bible scripture, that we should be good stewards with the blessings God gives us. Having dominion over the earth does not mean we have the right to environmentally rape it. A soccer mom in a Chevy Suburban driving to school to drop off their one child and then driving to a PTA meeting is a poor example of good environmental stewardship. The purpose of a Suburban is to transport a bunch of stuff and a handful of people. Not a 6yr old with a lunch box. If we want the government not to mandate regulations forcing us into this, we had better all take a better look at how wasteful we are and do something about it out of good principle. Oil is not like solar energy, its not going to be around forever despite what conspiracy theorists believe. The free market of this country will gravitate naturally towards the demand. If we buy more fuel efficient vehicles, car-makers will cease production of gas-guzzlers. If we plug our cars into the grid at night, the electrical companies will expand the grid due to demand. Clean nuclear power will be back on the table for discussion instead of coal, oil, gas or hydroelectric if demand increases. This would not require an act of Congress or the state of California to demand it. The only reason the rail system in the United States is a century behind Europe is that we turned a blind eye and demand our [invisible] independence. If more people demanded it, I could be taking a train between work and home instead of sitting on I-65 during rush hour.
So, do you want to just save that money or would you rather the government institute a "consumption tax" that takes it out of your pocket and into the abyss of the system in the name of saving the environment? For example; owning a V8 engine in Germany will cost you over $1,500 per year just in consumption tax over and above the other annual taxes you pay. Want to reverset the trend toward socialism? Take the steps ourselves and eliminate the [middle-man] government. We don't need a talking head like Michael Moore to flame our system. We just need to use it correctly. Let's all reduce/reuse/recycle, drive more efficient cars and be better stewards of what God has given us. Even if we have to modify our ego, swallow it down and take deep breath first.
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